Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
