On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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