happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
