she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
