seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
