We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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