Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
