Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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