He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
