Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Randomize
