who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
