She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
