I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
