My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
