You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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