Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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