My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
