Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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