I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
