my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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