just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
