Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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