Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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