so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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