im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize