I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
