I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
