Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
