I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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