Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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