Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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