Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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