her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
