I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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