i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
