I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
