my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
