My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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