I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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