Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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