Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize