my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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