so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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