I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
