I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
