what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
