shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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