Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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