That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
