Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
