Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I looked at my own cervix.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
