you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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