This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
