But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i think i have two assholes
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
