Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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