I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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