it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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