then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
