Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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