I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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