she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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