drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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