worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
