I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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